‘Thanks for the hassle’ she said. I turned towards her, where is she?
I’m caught unprepared, again, she is so close by.
First I had to get back to now, the world around me,
where I’m and why I’m there, what day it is and what time.
Why am I sitting, just sitting in a park bench, am I waiting someone or something to happen?
I never have time for such park outings, outing? how come I’m just sitting here, doing nothing?
I’m already getting stressed.
Is this the way people get out of a black-out?
Did I start getting black-outs?
AAAAAAAA!!!
Ok, stop. First things first, You freak out after dealing with this stranger next to you.
‘Thanks for the hassle’? He?
I turned towards her. She looked at me awry, strange, too confrontational for the moment..
‘Come on! I just came out of a black out!’
Focus. You can have exceptions for your friends but strict rules apply to strangers.
I looked back at her awry, and disinterested. Yes, I ignored her.
That felt good. Whatever she was talking about was her own problem, in the end.
Not everything is about me.
Shut down, shut down all the windows that opens to the confrontations of the outside world.
God, how time consuming and tiring the whole thing is. Once you let them in they want to come all together, their friends and families and emotions and attitudes.
I did it, I shut down all the windows for the past years. Never invited people to my place, never was exposed to many people. I found my peace slowly, till the point where that peace took over the whole control. Peace can never take over the whole control I realized, it also transformed as I did. People became too much, too close. Conversations stopped with silence, or ‘I have to go’s. Surprisingly, the more I was running away from people, the more they were disinterested in me. I was not expecting that. I was caught unprepared. They were letting me be, they did not care. The life outside continued, and mine was stable, frozen. I was left alone. No, no, no…I was left alone with my small collection of electronics and addictions. I was addicted to coffee, I was extremely tidy, loosing myself cleaning the whole house. I would notice every single move of an object at home. I would suspect of being watched, people coming to the house during the few moments I leave. This time I knew where to stop. To be able to stop I had to distract myself, then I started peeking on other lives. Then peeking became harder, and limited from my window, then I started watching, every single recorded thing, anything I found in the garbage, anything on tv, everything. I was addicted. I knew exactly what was going on outside, their every move, all the secret moves, I knew it all. I took over the control once again. The more I watched the less I lived, and that was what I wanted.